On Dating – How Proactive Should You Be?

One of my favorite sitcoms is the now defunct Girlfriends. Grrrrrr!!! The characters of Lynn, Maya, Toni and Joan are well-developed and I see myself in each of them. However, it is the character of Joan that is the subject of this post, kinda.

There is this one episode in which Joan has a "Bring Your Ex" party. Each person invited in turn invites an ex in the hopes that they may be a better match for someone else. Joan does this is an effort to be proactive in the search for Mr. Right.


There are many perspectives on dating. I cannot in this limited space address them all. So let me ask, how proactive should one be in getting a date?

One school of thought (the Christian one that I was taught) is that ' a man who findeth a wife, findeth a good thing'. The only problem with that is a lot of men are just trying to find a good time. So many women are stuck waiting on some guy to find them and they grow old, fat and worst of all stay single.

There is another thought that the man likes the art of the chase, so a woman who is to forward is boxed as a slut and treated accordingly.

There are also those who say Black women in particular limit themselves by only dating within the race and should branch out. Dating is an act of trust and there unfortunately is a lot of mistrust between races, cultures in America. I had one date with a white guy in undergrad. He was nice enough but I was so suspicious of his motives all the time. It did not help that he started speaking slang to me one day and I was like, Um, what? In my defense I was young and inexperienced so I was suspicious of every man and was quick to drop the 'don't call me I'll call you' line in a minute.

Talk to the hand

I have met many people of different backgrounds and I know the dating dilemma is certainly not limited to African-American women or men. As we enter into a brave new world, having a black president and new found opportunities, should we also challenge our age old ideas of dating as well.

What say you?

8 thoughts on “On Dating – How Proactive Should You Be?

  1. What I had originally intended to write on this subject was a long history of my dating life. It was so long that it didn’t post. OK, so be it. Let me say this instead: you don’t need to be overly proactive about dating, dating will come to you. If you keep an open heart, love will walk right in. It happened to me and that’s why my wife and I have been married for over 26 years. I call her my Valentine Girl because I asked her to marry me on Valentine’s Day.

  2. I don’t think dating turns on being proactive as much as it turns on being open-minded.
    Some folks have taken that to mean that they should date anyone and everyone aside from members of their own race. To each his own but I think that’s sad.
    The qualities that most people seek and value don’t run along racial lines. I’ve met black, white, Asian and Hispanic women who were intelligent, well-spoken, open-minded, honesty, understanding and humourous. And I’ve dated black, white, Asian and Hispanic women because, simply, I liked them.
    I don’t know that that qualifies as being proactive. I think it qualifies as not limiting my avenues to dating happiness. More people should–if they really want to be happy. This isn’t to say that one has to date interracially in order to be happy.
    Being open-minded could refer to things like education, height, weight, hair length/type, socio-economic status, and etc.

  3. You are preaching to the choir on this one LH.
    I know some women women who date down so to speak and stay within their race/hood/socioeconomic group than be open to other possibilities.

    I have done myself a true disservice by not really dating. I essentially just pointed to the guy and was like your it. I haven’t “played it enough” I guess. I am looking forward to spending the next year just getting to know a host of new people. If a romantic interest comes out of the deal then great. If not, I may get a few new friends out of the experience and for sure a lot of good meals. Hehehehe

  5. Yeah your right. I am going to a play reading tonight, alone. That sucks but maybe I will meet someone and write about it tomorrow. If not, there is alsways the produce guy that asks for my number everytime I am in the grocery store. I am sure he gets a discount. LOL

  6. I know I’m late to this post, but I found your blog via FullComplexity and have enjoyed browsing your blog.
    I would say, first off, start with prayer. It all begins and ends with prayer.
    To the other aspects of dating, I have waited for the man to come to me, I have approached men, I have dated intraracially as well as interracially, I’ve internet dated, and gone out causally. There are pluses and minuses to all of the different ways of meeting and men and forming relationships.
    Ultimately, you need to do what works best for you, for your circumstances, for your personality.
    Best wishes to you!

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