Category Archives: Dating

Dating Married Men, Really?

A weird thing happened at the grocery store last night. I am placing my things on the conveyor belt when I over hear this conversation between a young women and a slightly older guy.

They guy must have paied her a compliment and this girl start flirting. . .HARD. So, the guy is speaking in a barely audible voice and this girl is loud enough so that the coonversation gets my attention.

I look at the guy suspiciously because he was acting weird. He finally says, "Well, I'm not single. I'm married."

This should have been the end of the firtatious encounter, right? Right?

WRONG.

The girl says, "We can still hang. I mean, I just like to now what it is."

Really?

I should have been minding my own business but the virtuous woman in my gave him the ugliest look. I paid for my groceries and left. I am not sure how the encounter ended but I know how it affected me. I was saddened. This girl seemed really young, like 19 or something. This guy had to be in his early 40s. She was so brazen and shameless.

Is it really that hard out here? Really?

Your thoughts.

 

Would I Marry Me?

I was watching RNB Divas LA (don't judge me) and Chante Moore introduced an exercise to the ladies. She asked them if they would marry themselves and why or why not. Later on in the episode, the ladies flew to Vegas to get married to themselves. Part of this exercise was to write vows to yourself. Tears ensued. I love this version of RnB Divas. These women actually uplift one another.

First,  I think this idea is pretty ingenious. We as women think that love is putting someone before yourself. The problem is not everyone feels this way and reciprocity never occurs. I have learned the hard way (still learning) that people will take and take until there is nothing left of you!

1. I vow to make me the priority!

I missed yesterday's abs workout. I was just so friggin' tired. I almost left work early, I felt so bad. I took some time to recuperate – and you know what? It is okay. I have to learn to put me first even when it comes to me.

2. I vow to forgive myself, learn from my missteps and start again. 

I really think that I give more in relationships (of all kinds) than I receive.This always leaves me with the short end of the stick and my little feelings hurt.

3. I vow to make people earn my affection.

I have always been an absolute sucker for a compliment, fishing for them when not freely given. That need for validation was anchored in insecurity not vanity. I have evolved.

4. I vow to compliment myself daily.

To sum it all up.

 5. I vow to love me without apologies.

 So, to answer my own question, would I Marry Me? Heck Yeah!

 

Truth Moment

Prior to me revealing my identity on Talulazoeapple, I used to write about everything my heart desired. I have been muted ever since. I have come to the conclusion that I will write what my heart desires and to the wind with the rest.

Finishline

I was supposed to meet this guy in Chicago over my vacation. Long story less long, it did not happen. I think once I made it clear that my meeting him would not end up in sex, he lost interest. Intellectually, I know that if that is the case, it is better that he move on. Emotionally, I am really kinda of sad about it.

It is difficult to know that I have wasted months talking for hours on end with someone about everything and that it came to nothing. I guess the good part about it is that I almost gave up my heart but none of my parts. lol

Men!

More frustrating is that this is supposed to be a Christian, God-fearing. . .let me stop. A man is a man.

It is funny because all of the gut-feelings I had about him turned out to be true. My gut is never wrong. But I, listening to friends, gave it a chance.

I do not know if we can even be friends. Maya Angelou stated that only equals can be friends. So, if I am painfully and embarrassingly truthful with you and you are dishonest or withholding, we cannot be friends.This is the truly sad part.

I struck out this time, in a big way, but I am not out of the game. I have a goal in mind. Winnings do not come to women who watch from the bleachers.

 On to the next one.

With God, Are You All In?

This is the question in a new series we are tackling with the young adult ministry at church. It is really coming at a pivotal time in my life when I am considering the next stage – relationship, marriage and kids. No, I am not exclusively dating anyone but the thought has crossed my mind on a few occasions.

The major problem with single Christians dating is the issue of celibacy. Please believe me it is an issue. It is not a requirement for a lot of people who say they are Christian, in fact, it is not even expected.

In this series, we are using Chip Ingram's, "Living in the Edge: Dare to Experience True Spirituality." The book is accompanied by video lessons and includes questions, fill-in-the-blanks, and thoughts to ponder throughout the week. This week's thought – in Christ, are you all in? If not, what is holding you back?

I am sitting in service feeling extra transparent. lol Truth be told, I thought I was all in. When you are a single Christian woman and a man enters the picture, you are faced with this whole celibacy issue.It does not help, if the guy of interest, is not that dedicated to his celibacy. I know that I am an attractive girl but I also want to be clear about expectations.We – both he and I – are human.

This series is a bitter pill to swallow but correct and necessary. I already know this. The only issue that arises for me is the fear of being rejected and single for an extended period of time. Am I always afraid? No. Most times I am straight chillin'. The fear tends to creep up around the same time as my birthday. It does not help when family and friends start to question your singleness – meaning your choices and standards.

I get it all of the time. Your standards are too high. "At your age" *insert lowered expectations*. This
is equates to pressure. I am not looking for perfection because I am not perfect but can you try, really try, to be what you are claiming to be?

Another prayer this week in the series is, "Lord help me to see you as you really are."

Who is God? He is someone who loves you unconditionally and wants the very best for your life. If I truly believe that God loves me and wants what is best for me, then I have no need to fear. Fear makes you accept the 'good enough' instead of 'the best'. Celibacy while single is God's best. The hard truth is a man who does not respect that is not God's best.

 Another lesson learned.

 

Fear and Love: The Push and the Pull

In marketing (and logistics) there is a phenomenon known as the push and pull system. It describes the movement of product between two subjects. In push demand, suppliers can predict demand and supplies product accordingly. In pull demand, the consumers have a need and demand the products and services to fulfill that need.

Bored yet?

Well guys, I am talking about love – the demand or need for it. A poignant line in the movie, "The Color Purple," the character Shug Avery states, "Us sing and dance and holler just trying to be loved."

So true Shug, so true.

Sometimes the more you do to be loved, the more love alludes you. I have seen this push/pull effect in so many relationships.

The Push – I see that you are in need of love and I determine that I am going to be that for you, regardless, of your affections/behavior toward me.

The Pull – I want this but I am fearful that time or some other factor will keep me from it. In fear, I try to force the relationship to go where I want it to go.

What is driving these processes? What causes otherwise rational beings to behave so irrationally when it comes to relationships? It is fear. Fear is the saboteur of love. The Bible declares that:

"There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love." I John 4:18

 

The Pull/Push system assumes love to be the product exchanged between
two people. Love is the process itself. It is the continuous exchange. I
heard it described by Pastor Tony Evans as passionately and righteously
pursuing the well-being of another. W.O.W.

Love is not the reward or goal. It is the pursuit.

 

 

In Dating – I Want A Little Magic

A chance encounter. A fateful event. Something to indicate that we (whoever that other part of we is) are destined to be. Is that crazy?

Don't answer that.

A friend of mine jokes that I am like the character Sara Thomas in the movie Serendipity. She is all like, Felicia, the stars have to align and the heavens open as sign that he (whoever that he is) is the one. Ok, really? I get her point. I am not so delusional as to think the stars will literally align and the sun shine down on the forehead of my intended but I do have to admit, I want a little magic.

I used to be really bad at the Lord-is-this-a-sign-itis. I would literally, mid-conversation- stare intently at a guy and ask – Lord is he the one. I am sure all of those guys thought I was crazy. lol Maybe I am a little bit. I mean, I was a smart kid. I paid attention in school. Completed my MBA – yada, yada, and the yada. So, I am capable of learning. Yet, no one has ever taught me how to date. I truly suck at it. I always, always, always get my signals crossed. If I project friendship, I get love letters. If I project interest, I get the "you're the bomb.com" line from Just Wright.

Serendipity

I blame my mother! lol Isn't easy just to blame our parent(s). I distinctly remember a guy that would come by and visit me when I was like fifteen or something. It was so very benign. We would sit on my front porch and chat. Well, one day my mom was out there and this guy gets the courage to ask my mom if he could take me to the movies. To which, my mom replies, "I don't think she is ready for that." Point. Blank. Period.

I was MORTIFIED. So much so that I told him he should probably stop coming around. Overreacted much? You betcha. I have always been a bit emotional but the guy I did end up with, never asked her squat. He just would sneak around when she was at work.

Parents, smh.

Fast forward today and I am still mentally on that porch waiting. Wow, that was like the saddest line I have ever written, lol. I have to get off of the stupid porch, for heavens sake! But, how? Be more practical, I guess.

I am not saying that I am growing cynical;  maybe a little more, dare I say it, practical. Even as I type this, I still hope – just a bit – for a little magic.

Single, Saved and Social – No Easy Feat

This week has been trying physically, let me tell you. I have been subjected to mandatory overtime, while trying to maintain my amped up workouts and developing a social life. All of this has left me T.I.R.E.D.

Had to steal away and pray.

My social calendar this week – dinner with a friend, out to the Beamers again (my friend had free buffet passes) and a writer's workshop. Not too hectic until you throw in a ten hour work day that starts at 6:30 am. Try as I might, I just cannot enjoy Beamers, I am sorry. I know we went at "dinnertime" and left before it turned into a ""club but it still feels like a club when I am there. I still feel out of place.

My friend who went with me last week said to me, "Girl, that last man who asked you to dance was cute, something must be wrong with you."

BettyBoop

Yes, I am saved. I am trying to find a balance between being social and meeting people and staying in God's will and before you roll your eyes and dismiss my comment, please read on.

I bought this really cute dress, specifically for going out and being social. When I was trying it on, the dressing room attended states, "Ohh that is cute but if you're going out it needs to be shorter." I decide to not to be me for a while and take her advice. Let me tell you, when I walked through the door, men were just kinda drawn to me or it. lol The dress is form fitted black lace with a nude slip. In the right light it probably looks as if the wearer is naked when actually everything is pretty much covered up. Pair that with some five inch heels and you have got yourself a brick house. lol The illusion is grand.

I had not sat down five minutes when a guy buys me a drink and this is after I say, "No, thank you." I give the drink to one of the ladies I am with. That "man", that my friend mentioned,  was kinda all over me. He asks me to dance, we talk a bit, and I brush him off. He leaves. Later on in the night he comes back and is a bit more aggressive – respectful but aggressive. It gave me the creeps. lol.

I have tried, against my internal hesitation, to do the Single's Ministry thing. I have found that to be lacking in so many areas – poorly planned and executed. I have tried being more open and even tolerating people, behavior, and attitudes that I would have dismissed in a heartbeat in an effort to be more social. Trust me, I have a low threshold for untoward behavior. Yet, I tolerate more. I have been told that I am mean and dismissive. I actively try not to be those things.

The things that I enjoy are a bit more cerebral – museums, plays, writing, traveling, PBS, like-minded people, my family, good music, and dance class. Not exactly activities for casual meeting of strangers.

The honest truth is, when I was out, I felt dishonest. I am not the woman that dress and heels projected. I want to meet someone being me – nerd glasses, afro and all. The man I want to want me has to know that I am more than a big butt and a smile. Trust me that dress I was wearing was a total big butt and smile kinda dress. lol

What is a single, saved girl to do when trying to be social?