On Seeing You Again

I can honestly say that I had a great week. Seriously.

I went home and saw my lovely family. I saw my nephew who I had not seen in nearly 6 or 7 years. He was shot in the lung a few months ago. By the grace of God he survived and is healthy and strong. We laughed and talked about totally unimportant things but to have him there talking and laughing was the most important thing. You can talk on the phone all day but when you see someone and hold someone, love becomes real. You must be present to do this. Life happens when you are present.

I also saw a good friend (of whom I have written on here in the past) who I had not seen in nearly 16 years. It is wonderful to connect with someone via social media, texting or phone conversations. There is another level of intimacy that occurs when you are able to see, touch, smell and hold someone. It becomes real.

Being present, however, adds another dimension to communication – the all-telling body language.

Why are you so distant? You are acting like we are strangers.

He was correct. I am an excellent writer. I have a command of words. I am bold and aggressive with my words. I am, however, not so clear about communicating physically. It was not that I was not happy to see him but I was a little nervous being present face-to-face.

I used to look in acute bewilderment at girls who had good fathers present. I would ask myself, what is that like? To have someone make a hard decision, give you the advice when you need it, to provide financially just because they love you. It is a bizarre existence – the not knowing. It affects your relationships with men even though you try very hard not to allow that to happen. So, no, I did not think of him as a stranger but having that male presence in my life is strange or foreign to me.

Fe, you can’t control everything.

I am a trainer by trade. I will study the night before on subject matter that I am well-versed in. Recently, on one training trip, I posed a question to a colleague whose response was, “Why are you studying that? No one is ever going to ask that question.” I do it in an effort to have the answer to any possible question – to always be in control of the situation at hand.

That behavior follows me in my personal interactions. He is so self-assured and confident. He speaks with a command that I am not used to. I make all of the decisions for me. I am the go-to person for advice and counsel. Here is this guy who I cannot control. Life is a funny ride. I spent my life trying to make the right decisions to control all possible outcomes. Just when I think I have it all figured out something happens that you cannot control. In that moment of freedom is life and joy. I want that more often.

You can believe something to be true based on what you have heard and/or read about. There is another dimension of knowing – experiential knowledge. This is only gained by living life. Making those decisions not knowing the end from the beginning. Having a little faith. Truth is, being present, in the moment, and allowing life to happen is a learned behavior. Just like being a control freak (I am not admitting to being one of course lol).

It was great seeing you.

A movie played in the background, “Now You See Me.” It is the story about illusionists who pull of a bank heist. A detective, who goes on instinct, tries to track the elusive magicians down and bring them in. If you have been hurt before (and what woman has not) by the absence of a father or love gone wrong, it is hard to trust your instincts. Seeing someone helps to solidify those emotions but like the plot in the movie, illusions can be quite convincing. Here I am again, totally in my head and not allowing life to happen.

I just need him to know that being present was enough. Yes, I see you. That is all I really needed.

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