The night before I heard the news. I dreamed a tsunami bigger than the
Sears Willis Tower was hitting Chicago. I stood in vain trying to stop the impending tragedy. I woke up it was 4:30 am. I set my alarm for 5am to get up for morning prayer. My alarm never went off.
At 6 am I got the call.
My godmother "Nanny" had passed away. I heard my sister say the words but she may just as well have said, "I'm an alien." That's how ridiculous it all sounded.
The funny thing is. I kept hearing her voice the day before sing this verse of a COGIC hymn all day:
"I'm a soldier in the army of the Lord. . .If a man dies, shall he live again?"
I did not cry right away. I had a weird since of peace and calm. I knew she was a born again Christian, we in the COGIC faith call it saved. I knew she was in a better place but I couldn't help feeling slighted.
I grew up over a store front church, Nanny and her husband were the pastor and first lady. They lived one block down the street just passed the alley. Her kids and my siblings, we grew up as cousins.
I was beyond hurt after the news sunk in. I did not want to feel hurt so then I felt anger. I futilely asked God of all the evil people in the world, why her? Why now? Even as the thought entered my consciousness, I knew Nanny would not approve. She had an unshakable faith in God. She also had the gift of prophesy.
Nanny always had a kind word for me. I knew of all my mother's children, I was her favorite. How can you express the loss of someone who has ALWAYS had a kind word for you? ALWAYS. I would always say, I love you and she would always say, I love you more. ALWAYS. She even said I love you more when she said it first. LOL Even when she had to to tell you a hard truth, she did it with love.
She even spoke in soft tones. My last conversation with her was maybe three weeks ago. It was by accident. I was feeling overwhelmed and asked God for a sign. I said, Lord I really need a word from you. I called my mother and Nanny happened to be there. My mom answers the phone and says hold on. The next voice I hear is Nanny's. She told me that God was going to bring to pass all of my dreams I was working so hard for. She described my husband to me. We laughed. She said, "(my nickname) you know I love more." I said, Nanny, "I love you too."
I miss her.
**P.S. This scripture keeps me uplifted. it let's me know that in all thing we must give thanks.**
1I will bless the LORD at all times: his praise shall continually be in my mouth.
2My soul shall make her boast in the LORD: the humble shall hear thereof, and be glad.
3O magnify the LORD with me, and let us exalt his name together. Psalms 34: 1-3
2 thoughts on “Dealing With Loss”
You are in my prayers, Cutie Pie. May the Lord bless your heart with strength and comfort.
Thank you , Smooth Thug.
Your kind words are GREATLY appreciated.