Sherri Shepherd and the Dangers of Loneliness

I saw an interview of Sherri Shepherd on the DL Hughley Radio Show discussing her ex husband to whom she is paying spousal support. DL jokes about him being a sorry **s man. Sherri said (paraphrasing) that she had to take ownership of her decision to marry him, a decision she said was made out of fear and loneliness. She also said that she was tired of being single and celibate. I was really surprised by her honesty.

Community is important. Friends are important. Family (blood or otherwise) is important. Loneliness is a powerful state of mind. Loneliness is not necessarily the absence of people but rather disconnectedness. You should not choose a mate in this unhealthy state. It is like shopping when you are hungry. You end up with a cart full of junk, completely ignoring your list.

So, what can you do if you find yourself in a state of loneliness?

  1. Reach out.
    • Someone wants to hear from you; an old friend, an older family member who may not get many visitors, an elderly neighbor. Someone needs to hear your voice and you need to hear theirs.
    • Build community. We are not intended to do life alone. Church, clubs, groups, are some ways to connect with others.
  2. Volunteer
    • Do something nice for someone who cannot repay you. Loneliness is rooted in being self-centered. Volunteering allows you to reorient your focus to someone else in need. You derive a sense of value in helping others.
  3. Practice daily gratitude
    • Write down five things you are grateful for and post them on your bathroom mirror. Glance at it everyday while you are brushing your teeth. It is a method to focus on the good things you have in your life and not the one thing you are missing.
  4. Journal
    • Write your feelings, goals, hopes, and dreams. It helps you visualize what is going on in your heart and head. There is power in the written word. I recently reviewed some of my journal entries and was blown away by my progress. This brought a sense of gratitude and happiness. This exercise helped reinforce that trouble don’t last always.

Identify your feelings of loneliness. Take steps to connect with others in a beneficial way. Don’t allow loneliness to lead you to detrimental habits or choices.

What say you?


Dear Single Women: Don’t Be Delusional

Sitting at lunch with a group of people and the conversation turned to relationships. Seated at the table; a 60-year old married man, myself, another girl my age, a divorcee of 40ish and a 40ish single woman/no kids.

The other young woman, let's call her Precious, starts going in about the type of guy she does not want. In the company of these older folks she says she wants a "ten". I, naively, ask, "What's a ten?" I thought she meant on a ratings scale. No, she was talking measurements. *use your imagination* In the company cafeteria! Then she, an overweight woman, stated that she doesn't want a fat guy because she cannot do anything with that.

I am not exaggerating when I say everyone fell silent. This chick was loud, vulgar and rubbing everyone the wrong way. I am surprised Idris Elba had not scooped her up. *insert sarcasm*

I say all that to say why do people expect perfection in a person – physical perfection that is – when they are far from perfect.

I believe it was President Barack Obama who stated be the change you want to see or something like that.

I wonder if we single women hold on waiting for a perfect specimen of man when perfection does not exist and we are not perfect.

What do you think? Am I being to hard on her for just being honest?

Yes Another Post About Single Women

When the music winds down, the night air is cool and breezy and friends sit together around a table why is it inevitable that the discussion turns to relationships.

The participants: 2 single women both the same age (30-ish), 1 single college student (too young to even be worried about what we are discussing) and 1 happily married man.

The Discussion: Varies from Common's fineness to bionic dresses (will discuss in later post) but mainly about being single, dating experiences, and relationship advice.

I don't expect a lot of coherence when a discussion involves the emptying of wine bottles during the process. As the discussion progressed, I started to wonder about some things. I hope the following does not offend anyone who was in attendance.

It is easy to look at a person and say, "So and so is single because she has issues and they are clearly X,Y and Z." I am so quick to point out their issues. Issues like; she is still in love with her ex, she is shallow, she does not know a good man when she sees him, she acts desperate.

Then again, I am single and that begs the question, "What are my issues?"

Clearly, I don't get out much, I am not that great at striking up conversations with perfect strangers, I am not a bar hopper or serial dater. I have actually tried to live my life as close as possible to what I have been taught was right. In my head, I tell myself that this is what God wants and when the time is right, Mr. Right will find you. Honestly, when another birthday passes and I am asked for the umpteenth time to be a bridesmaid, doubt creeps into my head.

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