Tag Archives: single women

Triggered

As I better understand the relationship between past traumas and present behavior, I am more aware of situations that trigger emotions tied to the past. Triggered is a strong word in the traditional use in psychology. No, I do not experience panic attacks from my triggers but I do get an emotional response.

The week of February 15th, Texas experienced a terrible winter storm that left many, myself included, with rolling power outages and boil water advisories. My thermostat read 58 degrees at the coldest point. My house has a fireplace. I had never gotten it inspected, so I did not try to use it. I actually had covered the fireplace opening with plastic to keep out the draft that was coming in.

Today, I had someone come out to inspect my fireplace. The inspector removed the plastic, pulled out his flashlight, and looked into the firebox opening. He tells me the damper was open and that was the reason for the draft. He demonstrates how to open and close it. He tells me to get a new grate because the old one is broken. He tells me that my chimney is lined with thick metal tiles and is safe to use. He is done in under ten minutes. So, now I’m feeling a little silly for having someone come out for an open damper. He kindly reassures me that I did the right thing by having someone come look at it first. Routine service, so what could be triggering about that?

I bought a house few months ago and quickly realized I did not know some basic things. Things a father should have taught a daughter. Things a husband would take care of for me.

Bang, bang.

I hate not knowing something. It leads to frustration and anxiety for me, someone who loves to be in control. I try to know every contingency and have a plan for that. Nuts, right? I did not get my driver’s license until I was twenty-nine. Part of the reason was because I had no one to teach me. Many of my friends in college were taught by their father or uncles. I did not have that luxury. I eventually paid for driving school and got my license. I could have used the chimney during the winter storm but I did not. Aside from not having any fire wood, I simple did not know how to use it. During that storm on Wednesday, the coldest night, I was afraid for a quick minute. I thought had I been married my husband would know what to do.

Truth is, I don’t know if my father could have taught me to driver better than Dominga my driving instructor. I also don’t know that a husband would have known how to use the chimney either. Situations that are traditionally handled by men in our society, like the the chimney, or auto repairs, or lawn care trigger an emotional response that I am missing something, like the knowledge from a dad or support of a husband. And because I lack those things, my life is somehow harder than it needs to be.

Truth also is, God has always shown me how to get through any situation or perceived lack. I know my life is blessed because God is the center of it.

It’s like the scripture in Isaiah 54:5,

For thy Maker is thine husband; the Lord of hosts is his name; and thy Redeemer the Holy One of Israel; The God of the whole earth shall he be called.

God has really taken care of me. I have been able to move across country, buy cars, and buy a home all by myself. I still desire a husband but I am not lacking because I am unmarried. I am a full, happy person. Anything I want to do or need, I make it happen. God helps me in every situation, every time. Those moments when I am triggered, I remember that fact.

Sherri Shepherd and the Dangers of Loneliness

I saw an interview of Sherri Shepherd on the DL Hughley Radio Show discussing her ex husband to whom she is paying spousal support. DL jokes about him being a sorry **s man. Sherri said (paraphrasing) that she had to take ownership of her decision to marry him, a decision she said was made out of fear and loneliness. She also said that she was tired of being single and celibate. I was really surprised by her honesty.

Community is important. Friends are important. Family (blood or otherwise) is important. Loneliness is a powerful state of mind. Loneliness is not necessarily the absence of people but rather disconnectedness. You should not choose a mate in this unhealthy state. It is like shopping when you are hungry. You end up with a cart full of junk, completely ignoring your list.

So, what can you do if you find yourself in a state of loneliness?

  1. Reach out.
    • Someone wants to hear from you; an old friend, an older family member who may not get many visitors, an elderly neighbor. Someone needs to hear your voice and you need to hear theirs.
    • Build community. We are not intended to do life alone. Church, clubs, groups, are some ways to connect with others.
  2. Volunteer
    • Do something nice for someone who cannot repay you. Loneliness is rooted in being self-centered. Volunteering allows you to reorient your focus to someone else in need. You derive a sense of value in helping others.
  3. Practice daily gratitude
    • Write down five things you are grateful for and post them on your bathroom mirror. Glance at it everyday while you are brushing your teeth. It is a method to focus on the good things you have in your life and not the one thing you are missing.
  4. Journal
    • Write your feelings, goals, hopes, and dreams. It helps you visualize what is going on in your heart and head. There is power in the written word. I recently reviewed some of my journal entries and was blown away by my progress. This brought a sense of gratitude and happiness. This exercise helped reinforce that trouble don’t last always.

Identify your feelings of loneliness. Take steps to connect with others in a beneficial way. Don’t allow loneliness to lead you to detrimental habits or choices.

What say you?

 

Dear Single Women: Don’t Be Delusional

Sitting at lunch with a group of people and the conversation turned to relationships. Seated at the table; a 60-year old married man, myself, another girl my age, a divorcee of 40ish and a 40ish single woman/no kids.

The other young woman, let's call her Precious, starts going in about the type of guy she does not want. In the company of these older folks she says she wants a "ten". I, naively, ask, "What's a ten?" I thought she meant on a ratings scale. No, she was talking measurements. *use your imagination* In the company cafeteria! Then she, an overweight woman, stated that she doesn't want a fat guy because she cannot do anything with that.

I am not exaggerating when I say everyone fell silent. This chick was loud, vulgar and rubbing everyone the wrong way. I am surprised Idris Elba had not scooped her up. *insert sarcasm*

I say all that to say why do people expect perfection in a person – physical perfection that is – when they are far from perfect.

I believe it was President Barack Obama who stated be the change you want to see or something like that.

I wonder if we single women hold on waiting for a perfect specimen of man when perfection does not exist and we are not perfect.

What do you think? Am I being to hard on her for just being honest?

Yes Another Post About Single Women

When the music winds down, the night air is cool and breezy and friends sit together around a table why is it inevitable that the discussion turns to relationships.

The participants: 2 single women both the same age (30-ish), 1 single college student (too young to even be worried about what we are discussing) and 1 happily married man.

The Discussion: Varies from Common's fineness to bionic dresses (will discuss in later post) but mainly about being single, dating experiences, and relationship advice.

I don't expect a lot of coherence when a discussion involves the emptying of wine bottles during the process. As the discussion progressed, I started to wonder about some things. I hope the following does not offend anyone who was in attendance.

It is easy to look at a person and say, "So and so is single because she has issues and they are clearly X,Y and Z." I am so quick to point out their issues. Issues like; she is still in love with her ex, she is shallow, she does not know a good man when she sees him, she acts desperate.

Then again, I am single and that begs the question, "What are my issues?"

Clearly, I don't get out much, I am not that great at striking up conversations with perfect strangers, I am not a bar hopper or serial dater. I have actually tried to live my life as close as possible to what I have been taught was right. In my head, I tell myself that this is what God wants and when the time is right, Mr. Right will find you. Honestly, when another birthday passes and I am asked for the umpteenth time to be a bridesmaid, doubt creeps into my head.

Continue reading Yes Another Post About Single Women