Tag Archives: Relationships

Choosing Love and Happiness

Holding on to something you have instead of going for what you really want is a recipe for unhappiness.

Let me say it again!

Holding on to something you don’t really want instead of going for what you truly desire is a recipe for unhappiness.

EMPLOYMENT

People stay in jobs they hate due to a number of reasons. One being tradition. They saw their parents work at a company for 20, 30 years and retire. They stay because it pays the bills. Maybe there are kids, a mortgage, sick family members who need health insurance.

I GET IT, BUT . . .

What is your happiness worth?

A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.” Proverbs 17:22 NIV.

 The migraines, colds, lethargy could be due to your own unhappiness.

How do you get to career that fulfills you? Take a class to improve your skills, join a professional group to network with professionals, start a side-hustle that you LOVE.

RELATIONSHIPS

There are people dating/married to men/women who cheat, mistreat, deceive, etc. They stay out of convenience, fear of being single,  or something other than true love. Deep down, some believe that they do not deserve any better. Your happiness cannot be gotten from someone else, great relationship or not. However, being with the wrong person can lead to stress, angst, mistrust – all of which contribute to unhappiness.

Let it go

LET IT GOOOOO . . . but have a plan.

That’s right. Plan for your happiness. Imagine it. Create a vision board. Look at it everyday. Locate the dream job. Find out it’s requirements. Work to become qualified. Network with professionals in your industry . .  and BAM! You are doing something you love.

Go to the gym. Get a meal plan, Read books. Become that interesting irresistible person the man/woman of your dreams will be attracted to . . . and BAM!

Happily Ever After!

You can have love and happiness but you have to let go of what you really do not want. Have faith and go after what you really want.

You deserve it.

Ten Things I Have Learned About Relationships Since Starting This Blog

I was re-reading some of my posts in 2008. Back then I wrote a lot more about relationships. I came across a post entitled, "What Do Good Black Men Want in a Relationship?" It was a topic on the Tyra Banks Show and I expounded upon it. I got some really good comments on the post. CLICK HERE to read it.

I love reading my old posts. I reflect upon that hopeful, dream-filled young woman who wrote back in 2008. I can appreciate the journey that has led me to be the woman I am today. I just am not wowed by what I used to be wowed by.

I have learned a few lessons in these six years of writing this blog. On relationships, specifically:

 

1. Behavior never lies. What someone shows you in his/her actions – believe.

2. Real men want to provide, protect, and cover. If you are always providing and covering – something is wrong.

3. A man taking charge is like the sexiest thing ever.

4. An honest no that is hard to hear is better than a fraudulent yes.

5. Real men tell the truth.

6. It is okay to wait on Mr. Right and not settle for Mr. Right Now. By Mr. Right, I mean God.

7. Don't let others pressure you into a relationship.

8. If your gut is telling you something is wrong, SOMETHING IS WRONG!

9. Be open to new experiences.

10. Be willing to learn. You (I), don't know everything.

 

Is Hate the Opposite of Love?

What is hate? Thinking of the word makes me cringe.

 According to Merriam-Webster online, hate is 'a very strong feeling of dislike.' The full definition: 

"a :  intense hostility and aversion usually deriving from fear, anger, or sense of injury

 b :  extreme dislike or antipathy loathing." Source

Hate is what causes people to hurt others. It has many expressions – racism, violence, war, terror. For the sake of this post, let us omit some of the more global derivatives of hate and focus on relationships.

Brokenheart
 

Have you ever heard of someone being so in love proclaim unadulterated hate for that same person after a breakup? Have you been that person?

In truth, I do not believe that feeling, in this instance, is actually hate. I have another theory. Hate is a function of love.

Think about it.

It allows someone, whom you are no longer dating, to still be included in your life. If you hate them, they are still the object of your affection. It is just a different affection. You can justify to yourself allowing this person into your thoughts and into your heart. In essence, it is a way of holding on when you really need to let go.

Think of an ex, not just any ex, the worst ex that you have ever had. Ask yourself, do I hate him/her? If the answer is yes, then you have not gotten over this person. Barring some violent act against you or those you love, you may still even love that person.

*insert audible gasp* lol

Why am I writing about this you may ask? To help someone, to help myself. When someone exits your life, sweep the dust out of the front door. Leave no remnants – no letters, no bears and no hate.

The opposite of love is not hate. It is indifference. 

I Have Been Thinking of You, Too

Why is there pretense? This ever shielding wall that protects and keeps out the very thing you really want to let in.

Too deep? It's Sunday night. There is a cool breeze blowing through my open balcony as I type. Dang it, I'm just deep! lol

I am so guilty of this so I cannot point the finger but men are so much guiltier of it. Ego can be a stubborn roadblock. A man's ego, sheesh! Without it, I really do believe we would have world peace.

HeartNo one wants to be vulnerable, no one wants to get hurt. I get it, really I do. I earnestly believe that if two people first love God and are fundamentally good at heart, then no one should be out to willfully hurt the other. Right?

This hurt that no wants to receive is always present when pretense is allowed to mask true feelings. Withholding the truth from someone who you know cares about you is the hurt.

If you are not that into me, believe me, I would much rather know. If you really want my attention, pursue me like a man is supposed to. But if your intentions are not pure, the kindest thing that you can do is to keep it moving. 

I have written it before, behavior never lies. Your actions show that you have been thinking of me. Although a little strong, my words here show that I have been thinking of you, too.

Fear and Love: The Push and the Pull

In marketing (and logistics) there is a phenomenon known as the push and pull system. It describes the movement of product between two subjects. In push demand, suppliers can predict demand and supplies product accordingly. In pull demand, the consumers have a need and demand the products and services to fulfill that need.

Bored yet?

Well guys, I am talking about love – the demand or need for it. A poignant line in the movie, "The Color Purple," the character Shug Avery states, "Us sing and dance and holler just trying to be loved."

So true Shug, so true.

Sometimes the more you do to be loved, the more love alludes you. I have seen this push/pull effect in so many relationships.

The Push – I see that you are in need of love and I determine that I am going to be that for you, regardless, of your affections/behavior toward me.

The Pull – I want this but I am fearful that time or some other factor will keep me from it. In fear, I try to force the relationship to go where I want it to go.

What is driving these processes? What causes otherwise rational beings to behave so irrationally when it comes to relationships? It is fear. Fear is the saboteur of love. The Bible declares that:

"There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love." I John 4:18

 

The Pull/Push system assumes love to be the product exchanged between
two people. Love is the process itself. It is the continuous exchange. I
heard it described by Pastor Tony Evans as passionately and righteously
pursuing the well-being of another. W.O.W.

Love is not the reward or goal. It is the pursuit.

 

 

Why Would Anyone Want To Marry You?

The idea of marriage and finding the man of destiny that God has chosen for us, is a revisited conversation topic for me and my single friends. In fact, yesterday, I had quite an interesting conversation, in which a friend said that marriage is not your ministry when I have heard the message preach that marriage is exactly that – a ministry. Given the current environment of conflicting ideas and expectations, I was unexpectedly challenged in my idea of what a marriage mate is by an article someone posted on Facebook from Relevant Magazine, "You Never Marry the Right Person."

Yes, sometimes Facebook actually yields something thought provoking.

The gist of the article is that we expect too much from another person. We want someone to be perfect and fulfill our emotional/sensual needs while never expecting much from us in return. That person should just be perfect while accepting our crusty flawed selves. Yes, I mean crusty.

Another idea posed in the article is that it is impossible to find the perfect mate because marriage fundamentally changes who were are. When you enter into a marriage, you are learning to love a new person and therin lies the rub. 

I was talking to a guy and he was detailing what he expects/likes in a woman. What he wants is not unrealistic but did have a tinge of I want you to be more wholesome than I have to be. Having just watched an old Eddie Murphy stand up, I shied away from the knee-jerk reaction to snap my fingers and roll my neck all the while yelling, "and what about you?!" lol

The author of the article actually articulates in an analogous to the Bible sort of way how we need to love like Christ loves us. We are epically flawed yet eternally loved in Christ, right? Why cannot we love another flawed individual without the expectation of perfection on their part and not ours?

Interesting idea, no?

 

 

Think I Will Buy A Cat and Call Her Fe-Fe

I went to Beamers with a friend. It was supposed to be this great buffet for $5.00. It ended up being a camouflaged club but I had on a cute dress and high heels so I was gonna make the best of it.

#underwhelmed

The music was too loud, the people  a little too extra. Chris Rock has a standup bit in which he states he got married so that he would not be the old man in the club, not really old, just too old to be in the club. O. M. Bananas there were so many old men there. I just kept willing myself to enjoy myself but the whole environment was making me uncomfortable.

 My coworker later lamented that I kept saying no to every guy that approached me. As soon as I sit down, this guy offers to but me a drink. He proceeds to go get one after I politely declined. I end up giving it to my friend's cousin. This other guy practically begged me to dance and I simple stated no thank you like a million times. He had a nice smile but he seemed like he had lived half his life in a club, starting out when they used to be called juke joints. 

I know I am just a church girl who just does not fit in in those type of environments no matter how I try. I just kept thinking that what I want/need is definitely not sitting in here.

Catwhite

So, why did I even go? I just wanted to experience what others were telling me was the place to meet and mingle. It seemed benign enough from their descriptions. I wanted to silence the audible fears that others were blaring at me.

'Felicia, you have to get out and meet people."

"Felicia, there isn't a perfect man out there."

"Felicia, you have to compromise."

Argh!! Felicia has had enough.

This weekend, I will visit a pet store or rescue shelter. I am going cat shopping. I want something in all white. I will name her Fe-fe.

 

I Don’t Wanna Be Joan!

My faithful readers know that I love the now defunct TV show Girlfriends. I wrote a post about. Like to read it? Here it go.

Well, someone today compared me to the main character Joan Clayton and not in a good way. This person – who shall go unnamed because she does not want to be mentioned on my blog – said that, like Joan, I was beautiful, successful, and possessed the inability to find a man due to my unrealistic standards and overall craziness. Can you believe that?

Arnold

I am totally capable of self-analysis and I can admit that I can be a bit dramatic at times but I do not believe I have unrealistic standards.

Okay, truth moment, I do need a lot of attention. I expect a guy who wants me to really show it. I want to come first. I want him to be God-fearing  diseased free, heterosexual, intellectual, financially responsible, over-the- moon about me, love-his-momma-without-being-a-mommas-boy, no-baby-momma-having, Laz Alonso look alike.

Too much?

Okay, I'll take or leave the Laz Alonso part but ugh! Why must I be antagonized for wanting something good? Does not the Bible say that no good thing will He withhold from him who walks upright?

I was watching this episode of Girlfriends on YouTube – don't judge me! In it, Joan messes over a super nice guy and a super fun guy for the exciting guy who was not all that in to her. She went too far and gave too much only to be let down in the end.  I had an epiphany. Oh gosh, I am Joan!

Is not admitting that you have a problem the first step to recovery? I am just still learning how to accept someone's imperfections without accepting less than what I deserve.

 

Don't judge me. Help me! lol

 

 

What Is It With Men and Cars?

Why do men love cars so much? Is it the speed, the shiny paint job? Maybe its the fact that they can tinker with it for hours, never quite fix anything but still feel good about their performance?

Yeah, I don't know either.

I had to go do the whole oil change, inspection sticker thing today. I always go to the same shop because they never try to sell me the line that I need a million other things done and the mechanic is super cute.

So I get there, and super cute mechanic dude is nowhere to be found. Just my luck, I think to myself. I decide to use my time to transcribe some recordings for my article. I am a few minutes in and super cute mechanic walks in. He is all smiles per usual and asks about what I am doing. It's extra cute because he gets all nervous and says, "Are you doing school work for your job?" He laughs and clears it up and a conversation ensues. He asks about where I went to school and I hesitate a minute. I hate this part right here. Cue Pussycat Dolls. I then go ahead and tell him where I went to undergrad/grad.

Conversation stops.

LeSigh

This always happens. When I tell a guy (African American guy) my college credentials he seems to get intimidated. Like this dude's whole demeanor changes. He starts stuttering a bit as if he is scared he may say something stupid. So, I put down my recorder and laptop and try to spark the conversation again but I can tell that the spark had dissipated.

He did, however, fix my battery terminal for free. When I asked him what did I owe, he simply smiled and said, "just make sure you have a great day."

Le sigh.

You May Imperfect to Some but Perfect for One

I ran across this Youtube video and it really spoke to an experience I had gone through. One of the key components of my personality is a great sense of humor. I have the inate ability to make people smile and laugh. I have been told this too many times by too many people. I even consider it a gift. It is like don't bring your blues around me because I am gonna make you laugh by conversation's end.

So it kind of stung a bit when a guy friend basically told me that I joke too much. Mind you, I joke because this person can be such a perpetual bore. I have to crack jokes to keep from falling asleep. I seriously thought for a moment, well, maybe I should not be funny around him. One problem – I am funny and funny am I. Why should I have to change who I am fundamentally to engage in conversation with you? Maybe it is not me  whom your really want to speak.

Church? Amen!

Then I found Trent Shelton's video. Take a gander.

 

What do you think?