Tag: Love

Is Hate the Opposite of Love?

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What is hate? Thinking of the word makes me cringe.

 According to Merriam-Webster online, hate is 'a very strong feeling of dislike.' The full definition: 

"a :  intense hostility and aversion usually deriving from fear, anger, or sense of injury

 b :  extreme dislike or antipathy : loathing." Source

Hate is what causes people to hurt others. It has many expressions – racism, violence, war, terror. For the sake of this post, let us omit some of the more global derivatives of hate and focus on relationships.

Brokenheart
 

Have you ever heard of someone being so in love proclaim unadulterated hate for that same person after a breakup? Have you been that person?

In truth, I do not believe that feeling, in this instance, is actually hate. I have another theory. Hate is a function of love.

Think about it.

It allows someone, whom you are no longer dating, to still be included in your life. If you hate them, they are still the object of your affection. It is just a different affection. You can justify to yourself allowing this person into your thoughts and into your heart. In essence, it is a way of holding on when you really need to let go.

Think of an ex, not just any ex, the worst ex that you have ever had. Ask yourself, do I hate him/her? If the answer is yes, then you have not gotten over this person. Barring some violent act against you or those you love, you may still even love that person.

*insert audible gasp* lol

Why am I writing about this you may ask? To help someone, to help myself. When someone exits your life, sweep the dust out of the front door. Leave no remnants – no letters, no bears and no hate.

The opposite of love is not hate. It is indifference. 

Never Fear. God Is Here

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I am learning that you really do not have to fight your own battles. God is really better at getting at the heart of the matter. He is more surgeon with scalpel and I am more Viking with ax. lol In all of my self-righteousness, I have confronted people only to make things worse. I am also guilty of misinterpreting intent. All we have to go on are actions. Only God can judge the intent of the heart. It never fails that God will cause the person to eat their words or teach me a lesson. Either way, peace is preserved.

I am learning to eradicate fear in every area of my life. God is love and love is the opposite of fear. The Bible states, "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind." 2 Timothy 1:7.Whenever I hesitate to say something or do something out of fear, I am learning to go against that feeling and do it anyway.

Last weekend, I passed out flyers explaining the Gospel of Jesus. This would have terrified me in the past – the idea of not having the right words or rejection. It was not that scary at all in retrospect. It also helped that I had a partner. Like the Bible, we went out two-by-two.

I am excited to be the age that I am. As a young girl, I was terrified of getting older. All of the pictures of older women, were wrinkled faces, gray hair and curved spines. Older women would show their photos of their younger selves and be unrecognizable to me. I thought aging would cause me to lose myself as I morphed into an old woman. I would start carrying hard candies in my 'pocketbook' and keep my coin purse in my bosom. Yep, bosom. Only older women had bosoms. lol

I can honestly say that I am the best Felicia I have ever been. I actually think I am aging in reverse. Bejamina Button. lol With the exercising and diet, I am getting better. Charting new territory, I am. All without fear.

 

*Repost* Being Vulnerable Is Not A Weakness

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The definition of vulnerable is capable of being wounded or hurt. Ouch! When you read something like that, who wants to be vulnerable? Women, especially, African American women, are taught to be strong and indestructible. The result of creating a wall of defense is that nothing can penetrate it. So you are strong, independent, and can't nobody tell you nothing. That is cool unless it is all a big lie. You have to open the door sometimes.

Penguins

I am learning through introspection and interaction with friends that it is okay to need and be needed. It does not mean that you are weak because you can acknowledge to yourself that you would like someone to go though life with. Scratch that like, you NEED someone to go through life with. There are dreams you would like to fulfill and experiences that you would like to have. What do you gain by pretending that you really do not care about anything or anyone?

Often times, you can avoid many pitfalls by listening to the experiences of others. How would you ever listen to those experiences if you are so wrapped up in yourself that you will not offer a listening ear to someone else?

Even in love, if you never put yourself out there, e.i., be vulnerable, you will never reap the rewards of love. Even if it does not work out, you have gained a valuable experience. If you never even try, you will have gained nothing.

I wrote once before about having the opportunity to audition for a play. Prior to my actual audition, I had the opportunity to tryout for a musical. I chickened out. When the opportunity presented itself again, I went for it. I did not get the part but I got some great feedback from one of the producers and I gained a valuable experience. If a third chance comes around, you best believe that it is going to be mine.

My point is to open yourself up for new friends, love and life experiences. In the words of Anthony Hamilton, "The lonely never win."

 

I Have but One Rule of Friendship.

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You MUST be Team Felicia.

I am going through life just like you facing challenges that are personal, familial, and professional. I do so with grace, faith and a little blog. Friends and my readers make the journey a bit more bearable.

I have had several incidents with people who claim to be friends who continually speak negative things over my life. Get thee behind me!

I was talking to a 'friend' and explained how I believe God for the husband of my dreams. I want to have that level of faith. This person got highly-offended that I would dare to ask God for what I want and not just accept any old man because, 'Maybe that is God's will for you.'

Again, get thee behind me!

The Word of God says, "Delight thyself also in the Lord: and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart. " Psalm 37:3-5

No caveats. So, why are you mad? Are you upset because I do not agree with you or are you upset that you fell for the enemy's deception and excepted good enough when God has promised His children 'Good Things'?

"If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your Father which is in heaven give good things to them that ask him?" Matthew 7:11

Please do not start me to preaching on here.

Having this level of faith is not easy. It has been birthed through trials and tribulations. Through reading, accepting and believing God's Word. I will not – cannot – let anyone shake my faith.

My faith has gotten me to Dallas. It is by faith that I am writing this post. That I have written my book. That I still have dreams of acting on stage.

"And hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us." Romans 5:5

My friends, who I have known the longest, would have offered words of encouragement. They would have even quoted scriptures I may have forgotten. I am told by them that I am smart and beautiful and deserve the best. So, why are you mad?

My friendships are not one-sided. The reciprocity being I am pro-my friends. I would never try to embarrass you when a 3rd or 4th party is in our presence. If anything, I will talk you up not talk you down.

God has been dealing with me in the area of boundaries. It is time that I start enforcing them. If you are not Team Felicia, please keep it moving.

 

 

Fear and Love: The Push and the Pull

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In marketing (and logistics) there is a phenomenon known as the push and pull system. It describes the movement of product between two subjects. In push demand, suppliers can predict demand and supplies product accordingly. In pull demand, the consumers have a need and demand the products and services to fulfill that need.

Bored yet?

Well guys, I am talking about love – the demand or need for it. A poignant line in the movie, "The Color Purple," the character Shug Avery states, "Us sing and dance and holler just trying to be loved."

So true Shug, so true.

Sometimes the more you do to be loved, the more love alludes you. I have seen this push/pull effect in so many relationships.

The Push – I see that you are in need of love and I determine that I am going to be that for you, regardless, of your affections/behavior toward me.

The Pull – I want this but I am fearful that time or some other factor will keep me from it. In fear, I try to force the relationship to go where I want it to go.

What is driving these processes? What causes otherwise rational beings to behave so irrationally when it comes to relationships? It is fear. Fear is the saboteur of love. The Bible declares that:

"There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love." I John 4:18

 

The Pull/Push system assumes love to be the product exchanged between
two people. Love is the process itself. It is the continuous exchange. I
heard it described by Pastor Tony Evans as passionately and righteously
pursuing the well-being of another. W.O.W.

Love is not the reward or goal. It is the pursuit.

 

 

Why Is Life So Easy. . .

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after the fact!?

Oh, I missed the turn. Should have turned left. The venue is right after the turn.

Such is my life.

You have to go though life's test and trials to gain the wisdom you need to make wise and sage decisions all. . .after the fact!

Why could not my future self have figured out all of these things concerning life, family, men and money in the future,wrote it on a tablet, built a time machine and sat it by my bed when I was 18? Would that have been so difficult?

At 18 – 20ish you really know everything and nothing all at the same time. Trying to explain to an adult the mentality behind your decisions at that age is a bit trippy. Why? Because I know all of the endings to those dumb decisions.

Dumb is a bit harsh, no? I would say uninformed or unwise decisions. I was a pretty precocious child, smart teenage, and astute young adult. When it came to life and love, however, I was Cher clueless. *insert 90s reference*

Been conversing with someone who knew me way back when. He remarked how much I had grown and developed. He stated how insightful my words are. I wanted to say, "of course they are, I am actually using words!" lol Back then, when things got to emotional, I would head for the hills. Or push someone away.

The key is not drowning in a sea of what-ifs and apparent overly-used metaphors. I can only move forward.

The tools I have gathered along this road – faith, education, friends, coping skills and words – all assist me in creating my best life right now.The biggest skill I have acquired is the art of confrontation. Learning to manage emotions, change and people in the face of confrontation is the key to long lasting successful relationships and business.

To those who join me in my life at this moment, the experience is going to be exponentially greater than with the me at 18. I only run on trails now.

In Dating – I Want A Little Magic

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A chance encounter. A fateful event. Something to indicate that we (whoever that other part of we is) are destined to be. Is that crazy?

Don't answer that.

A friend of mine jokes that I am like the character Sara Thomas in the movie Serendipity. She is all like, Felicia, the stars have to align and the heavens open as sign that he (whoever that he is) is the one. Ok, really? I get her point. I am not so delusional as to think the stars will literally align and the sun shine down on the forehead of my intended but I do have to admit, I want a little magic.

I used to be really bad at the Lord-is-this-a-sign-itis. I would literally, mid-conversation- stare intently at a guy and ask – Lord is he the one. I am sure all of those guys thought I was crazy. lol Maybe I am a little bit. I mean, I was a smart kid. I paid attention in school. Completed my MBA – yada, yada, and the yada. So, I am capable of learning. Yet, no one has ever taught me how to date. I truly suck at it. I always, always, always get my signals crossed. If I project friendship, I get love letters. If I project interest, I get the "you're the bomb.com" line from Just Wright.

Serendipity

I blame my mother! lol Isn't easy just to blame our parent(s). I distinctly remember a guy that would come by and visit me when I was like fifteen or something. It was so very benign. We would sit on my front porch and chat. Well, one day my mom was out there and this guy gets the courage to ask my mom if he could take me to the movies. To which, my mom replies, "I don't think she is ready for that." Point. Blank. Period.

I was MORTIFIED. So much so that I told him he should probably stop coming around. Overreacted much? You betcha. I have always been a bit emotional but the guy I did end up with, never asked her squat. He just would sneak around when she was at work.

Parents, smh.

Fast forward today and I am still mentally on that porch waiting. Wow, that was like the saddest line I have ever written, lol. I have to get off of the stupid porch, for heavens sake! But, how? Be more practical, I guess.

I am not saying that I am growing cynical;  maybe a little more, dare I say it, practical. Even as I type this, I still hope – just a bit – for a little magic.

Learning to Love Your Spouse

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As part of our seemingly endless conversations about relationships, a friend mentioned the idea of marrying someone with whom you are not in love. As evidence, this friend mentioned a woman who says that she married a man because everyone else told her that he was such a "good" man. It was when their child turned two years of age that she looked up one day and realized that she loved him. Now she is head-over-heels, over-the-moon in love.

Is this even possible? Think about it. You date, court, become engaged, plan a wedding, marry and have a child all the while waiting for love to blossom. The uber romantic in me says, posh! The faithful side of me thinks that this is possible. Maybe the man/woman that God has as your destiny mate is not the cat's meow in your eyes right now.Maybe the way someone loves you can transform them from frog to prince.

Bride

There is another side of me, the cynic. The cynic thinks what if after two years and a child, you look at your wonderfully devoted husband and get the sudden urge to run out of the front door and never come back.

Extreme?

I need more evidence. Can any of you attest to this love comes after phenomenon? Please leave a comment or two.

 

Thanks.

All I Want For Christmas Is . . .

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. . .LOVE!

I know, cheesy right? It's true.

I think times are hard and folk should not be pressured into buying gifts that they cannot afford. I remember a few years back when we got into gift exchanges and u had to spend the exact same amount as your exchange person. Some people have lots of kids and expect a present for themselves and all of their children. No there is a per household limit.

Really. I just want true love for Christmas. If you really care for me, then do something kind for someone else, send me a nice card or email message. I am such a sentimental fool. I still have birthday cards from ten years ago.

I am just putting this out their for Santa – send me real, abundant, cup running over love this Christmas.

What do you want for Christmas?

What Exactly Is Settling? A Few Necessities

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I guess this a relationship post.

In this eternal pursuit of the right mate, what qualities are; a necessity, a want, and an if you don't mind i'll take a little of that too? LOL

Letoya Luckett has a song, "Good to Me," on her new CD. I LOVE THIS SONG!

However; there is a verse that goes something like:

I want me a man
You know the kind of man
That don’t mind cooking me dinner

I want me a man
You know the kind of man
That all night in bed he’s a winner

I want me a man
You know the kind of man
That gotta body like a gladiator

Cuz I want me a man, a real kinda man
And he ain’t gotta have alotta paper SOURCE

Soooooo? Which one of these items is a necessity, a want, and an if you don't mind i'll take a little of that too?

I was speaking with a friend last night who told me she admired me for not settling? I thought about that.

I dated a guy a few years back who, right out of the gate, was talking marriage. He was a cool dude but I had ZERO chemistry with him. I kept dating him thinking, well, he's a good guy, he is a god-fearing man, and he WANTS to get married. I was literally FORCING myself to like him. Then one day, I was discussing him with my mother and she bluntly stated, "if you don't like him, don't date him."

It was my, "Duh, stupid!" moment. LOL

My mom is from the old school where church folk had to approve your mates. That's how she ended up with my father. Needless to say she was not into that everybody says he's a good man so do it and ignore your heart meme.

But to answer my own question. I don't care about the body like a gladiator BUT the others. . .if you don't mind i'll take a little of that, too. LOL

How about you?