Marriage Is On the Horizon

At age 30, I was 10 months into my new city of Dallas, Texas. I would be starting grad school in a few months. I spent my Saturday mornings floating in my community pool chasing clouds. Everything around me felt like spring – fresh and new. Being single was an asset providing the freedom of movement and self-determination I needed to move away from family and start fresh halfway across the country. I did not have to consider the opinion of another person (other than my mom who was all for it) when deciding my life’s goals. I was aware of my singleness. However, that awareness was a soft rimshot in the background of my mind. Life’s music loudly drowned out the noise.

The 2009 census data revealed 70% of black women remained unmarried. This data point became the topic of many talk shows and evening news specials with talking heads sounding alarms about women like me – educated, female, and black – doomed to be forever single. The rimshot became a foreboding boom. The warning was not just from distant media figures that could be tuned into and turn off of my own volition. Every married person I encountered had a a stick in hand adding to the cacophony. When an invitation to dinner by a married couple turned out to be a kamikaze blind date, I felt the impact of that stick right across my forehead. It was if my singleness made other people uncomfortable. They felt urged to fix it with or without my permission.

I attended a beautiful wedding this weekend alone, still single. The bride, 50 years old, married later in life. Turns out that 2009 census data had been misinterpreted.

A look at recent census data will tell you that the 70 percent we keep hearing about has been misconstrued. According to 2009 data from the Census Bureau, 70.5 percent of black women in the United States had never been married — but those were women between the ages of 25 and 29. Black women marry later, but they do marry. By age 55 and above, those numbers showed, only 13 percent of black women had never been married. In fact, people who have never married in their lifetimes are in the clear minority, regardless of race.

Angela Stanley, New York Times

Early in life, I learned that the natural trajectory of a woman’s life went something like – daughter, sister, friend, girlfriend, fiancé, wife, and mother. Who are you if you do not belong to anyone? I wanted to learn who I was before having to be everything to someone else. I am brave, witty, funny even. I care way to deeply about everything. I love big and wide. I am dependable. I trust against the residue of doubt that bad experiences have left behind. I am adventurous in measured doses. And I learned all of this about myself while being single.

This is not a “Say it loud. I’m singe and I’m proud,” post. It is an acknowledgment that my singleness has served a purpose. Marriage is still a goal, not just THE goal.

Wedding look April 2022

In Dating – I Want A Little Magic

A chance encounter. A fateful event. Something to indicate that we (whoever that other part of we is) are destined to be. Is that crazy?

Don't answer that.

A friend of mine jokes that I am like the character Sara Thomas in the movie Serendipity. She is all like, Felicia, the stars have to align and the heavens open as sign that he (whoever that he is) is the one. Ok, really? I get her point. I am not so delusional as to think the stars will literally align and the sun shine down on the forehead of my intended but I do have to admit, I want a little magic.

I used to be really bad at the Lord-is-this-a-sign-itis. I would literally, mid-conversation- stare intently at a guy and ask – Lord is he the one. I am sure all of those guys thought I was crazy. lol Maybe I am a little bit. I mean, I was a smart kid. I paid attention in school. Completed my MBA – yada, yada, and the yada. So, I am capable of learning. Yet, no one has ever taught me how to date. I truly suck at it. I always, always, always get my signals crossed. If I project friendship, I get love letters. If I project interest, I get the "you're the" line from Just Wright.


I blame my mother! lol Isn't easy just to blame our parent(s). I distinctly remember a guy that would come by and visit me when I was like fifteen or something. It was so very benign. We would sit on my front porch and chat. Well, one day my mom was out there and this guy gets the courage to ask my mom if he could take me to the movies. To which, my mom replies, "I don't think she is ready for that." Point. Blank. Period.

I was MORTIFIED. So much so that I told him he should probably stop coming around. Overreacted much? You betcha. I have always been a bit emotional but the guy I did end up with, never asked her squat. He just would sneak around when she was at work.

Parents, smh.

Fast forward today and I am still mentally on that porch waiting. Wow, that was like the saddest line I have ever written, lol. I have to get off of the stupid porch, for heavens sake! But, how? Be more practical, I guess.

I am not saying that I am growing cynical;  maybe a little more, dare I say it, practical. Even as I type this, I still hope – just a bit – for a little magic.

Think I Will Buy A Cat and Call Her Fe-Fe

I went to Beamers with a friend. It was supposed to be this great buffet for $5.00. It ended up being a camouflaged club but I had on a cute dress and high heels so I was gonna make the best of it.


The music was too loud, the people  a little too extra. Chris Rock has a standup bit in which he states he got married so that he would not be the old man in the club, not really old, just too old to be in the club. O. M. Bananas there were so many old men there. I just kept willing myself to enjoy myself but the whole environment was making me uncomfortable.

 My coworker later lamented that I kept saying no to every guy that approached me. As soon as I sit down, this guy offers to but me a drink. He proceeds to go get one after I politely declined. I end up giving it to my friend's cousin. This other guy practically begged me to dance and I simple stated no thank you like a million times. He had a nice smile but he seemed like he had lived half his life in a club, starting out when they used to be called juke joints. 

I know I am just a church girl who just does not fit in in those type of environments no matter how I try. I just kept thinking that what I want/need is definitely not sitting in here.


So, why did I even go? I just wanted to experience what others were telling me was the place to meet and mingle. It seemed benign enough from their descriptions. I wanted to silence the audible fears that others were blaring at me.

'Felicia, you have to get out and meet people."

"Felicia, there isn't a perfect man out there."

"Felicia, you have to compromise."

Argh!! Felicia has had enough.

This weekend, I will visit a pet store or rescue shelter. I am going cat shopping. I want something in all white. I will name her Fe-fe.


The Church Social or Dreaded Singles’ Event Part II

I was pleasantly surpised.

That pretty much summarizes my night at my church's revamped singles' night.

The difference between this and last time – I had table duties.

I got the great luxury of greeting people and explaining the process of creating a name tag, choosing a table, and getting refreshments.

Not so bad right. Well you decide.

Christian dance

There were two sets of praise and worship teams singing songs and whatnot. Great idea except now no one can hear me at the greeting table. I am shouting directions at people. People cannot engage each other in conversation. Everyone is reduced to being a spectator. I get that you want to set the tone of worship but two separate groups singing so many songs just seems like a disjointed concert.

There was a spoken word segment with one poet/rapper dude. Yep just one.

The best part of the night (and a keeper for future events) was a panel of two women and two elders answering questions from singles. I was getting some inciteful godly advice when someone asks, "What does the bible say about dating relatives?"


The night ended on kind of a dud with a few people being asked to give their testimonies. The idea being that we need to know what we have been through to bond or every thorn has a rose or some equally unfitting cliche. It probably would not have been so bad but these folks had gone through rape, incest, abuse, suicidal thoughts. Not really a pick-me-upper.

I stayed and helped clean up.

Positive: I did meet a few fun people. I signed up to facilitate a small group.

Not so positivie: Did not meet any potentials. Was not even sure there were any potentials there. Ratio of women to men still 80:20. Subtract the married, crazy and obviosly gay – 90:10.

Still par for the course but I have hope for the future

P.S. I was super cute! lol This goes under "Positive".

Feeling Extra, Extra Single.

Someone I know is getting married. There is wedding planning discussions all the time, which I sometimes initiate and enjoy. However, this crap has me feeling extra, extra single.

Discussing this extra, extra single phenomenon with a friend. She says, "I was in a meeting and everyone had a wedding ring except 1 senior citizen, a gay guy and me!"

What the heck is going on?

I went to dinner twice – by myself.  I sat at the bar. Why? Because hostesses do not respect you when you dine alone. Now the bar is supposed to be the area where you attract attention, right? Yeah, a guy asked to borrow my salt.

Got an oil change and the guy who complimented my looks last visit, comes and sits behind me as I pay, (he always does this), walks me out and opens my car door. He is super duper cute but he DOES NOT ask me out.

This is kinda sucking big time.


Single, black and not dating anyone yet, still. lol

Are There Any Nice Guys Left?

I met a woman on Sunday who said she met her husband at a singles' ministry at church. This is the second woman from that church, my church, that has told me this. The problem? The singles' ministry is not that active anymore.

Anyway. I was feeling bored and lonley this weekend so when The Kid 2.0 called to see if we could "hang out" I said cool. Afterall, we had had a discussion that I thought cleared the air and made him understand that we were clearly on friends-only territory.

Secondly, I thought what's so wrong with hanging out watching movies with a FRIEND?

*inside my own head* Why are you so naive?

So long story, less long, The Kid 2.0 comes over and everything is chill for hour number 1. I am sitting on my chair and he is on the love seat. Then The Kid 2.0 says, "Why are you so distant? You can sit by me."

Do you see where this is heading? I did but I kept thinking, self, don't jump to conclusions.

It went from me sitting next to him, to him with his hand on my thigh, to him inching his hand higher, to me pushing his hand away, to him trying to kiss me, to me stopping him and saying. "Stop, this is just too much too fast. "

He says, "I understand."

He did not. Back with the hand action. I got so frustrated, I couldn't finish watching Black Girls Rock.

I just stated that I had to get ready for my first day at work.

He got up and left.

This is the first time we actually spend one-on-time together – no date, no dinner. You have not done ANYTHING to expect any type of action. I am too old for this. I had no idea that guys still tried that high school crap. Ugh!

Are there any nice guys left?

P.S. My Gut Feeling Is ALWAYS Right

This past week has been a roller coaster of emotional ups, downs and suspension. Come Monday, I am officially in the second week of my two weeks' notice. With one end in site and a new beginning on the horizon, I   guess this was the devil's time to get busy.

For brevity I'll just focus on the guy.

So this guy that I was not interested in kept finding his way in my space every day, multiple times a day. One day he finds his courage and finally asks me out. . . well, to "hang out." Yes, he is 25 and this is the parlance of 25 year olds.

I kinda blew him off last weekend just because I am too grown for that. Plus, my gut feeling told me he was just too young. UNTIL, I tell a couple of friends who suggest that I give him a shot. Maybe he could turn out to be a good friend. One tactless friend declared that I am insane and will probably be alone forever.

So against my better judgment and Godly discernment, I tell him that I am free this Saturday evening. He agrees that he'll text me later with details. SN: I loathe texting but he is 25 years old.

So Saturday comes. I go to my housing seminar in the morning, wash, get my eyebrows waxed and. . .NOTHING. No call, no text. . nothing!

So Sunday comes and he calls around noon wanting to know what I was up to. His words, "I'm out and about and wanted to know what you had planned today." Um, something that doesn't involve you, kiddo.

So, I politely tell him that I have things to do and that I was free yesterday. He apologizes and says something about hanging out with his friends. He, then, asks what do I have to do. My response, "Some stuff." lol

Dear child, let this be a lesson to you. If you feel you are man enough to approach a grown, independent woman and ask for her time, you better make it worth something.

P.S.S. Dear friends, I'll wait on God thank you.



Uncertainty and Moving Forward

I am always attempting to predict the future. I put off things I really want to do afraid that once I commit something in my situation will change and I won't be able to follow through.

The big questions of my life have centered around employment and where to live. I am fairly convinced that God has me in Dallas but employment – still a conundrum.

The irony is I am still in relatively the same place after 4 years, no big life changes yet. So why do I let this uncertainty stop my plans?

OAN: This girl from undergrad moved to Texas around the same time that I did. She was really nice and helped me navigate my new city.

I remember this one particular drive, she lamented being single. She mentioned a mutual friend of ours who was married and at the time pregnant with her first child. During our drive she said aloud that she really wanted that – a husband and family. I am so bad because I remember thinking – poor girl may not ever happen. I guess I was a bit jaded about that stuff then.

Fast forward and she is married and just had a beautiful baby boy. I was on the book of the face and looking at pictures of the tiny tot. On one hand, I was super excited and happy for her and on another I was kinda bummed out by me. I thought God am I remedial? Why am I not moving forward?

Maybe it's the doubt and uncertainty that causes me not to commit to anything or even say yes when a guy asks me out. IDK. I know the money thing always throws me for a loop. I need to make more money so I am always trying to find a better gig. This leads to more uncertainty. Ugh!

I wish one of my readers was a psychologist because I really need to figure this thing out, preferably, before age forty.

Ok. I Lied About Going Out

In the last post I stated that the next man that asked me out I would say yes to.


I swear he next guys came up to me at work lying like we had met before and the State Fair. This line probably would have worked on a native Dallas gal because almost everyone goes to the State Fair BUT I did not.

Dude looked about forty-five and was wearing a white chef's uniform. Like, really, dude you look like Chef Boy-Ar Dee.

I work where most of the people who come are unemployed. So, his focus should have been on other things.

Plus he seemed a lil' special if you know what I mean.

I had to tell him no three times and then finally just walk away.


This other guys I work with is always stopping me at the most inopportune times to strike up a conversation. Last Friday, he asks if I would go workout with him out of the blue when I am racing to get to my car to beat the rush hour traffic. I'm like dude you couldn't think to ask me this earlier. So, Monday comes and I conveniently forget to bring my workout clothes and he conveniently forget that he asks me. So this Friday comes and as I am again racing out of the door he yells so Monday the power class. I am like um yeah but really um, NO!

OAN: I am completing my application to become a mentor at one of the high schools. If this job has taught me one thing, these young girls need a positive female role model who doesn't have ANY baby daddies!

Girls, really, JUST SAY NO TO  D_ _ _ _ and DRUGS! lol

Reality TV and Reality Me

I always watch the first couple of seasons of a reality show and then later on become disgusted with the show and myself for watching it. lol

Flavor of Love, I Love New York, Basketball Wives. . .need I list more?

I know the shows are staged and the most crass behavior is celebrated. I watch and marvel that my life is so much better than these clowns on TV.

Not that all reality TV is bad. I do love Four Weddings on TLC and The Ultimate Merger on TV One but it's all starting to leave a bad taste in my mouth.

It is like when I started watching wrestling again after finding out as a child that it was staged. Two reasons for this being: The Rock was fighting and the whole family got together just like old times.

SN: I am really missing my family.

The "Do you smell what the Rock is cooking?" gets kinda stale after you have heard it a million times. What exactly does that mean? How is smelling your cooking intimidating?

The point of this whole rant is: Following reality TV is kind of pathetic when there is so much real life to explore. I can admit my reality has been less than my ideal so watching Toccara pick a fake mate was a nice distraction, especially, when the menzes are fine. lol

I am telling myself ENOUGH already.

It is time to experience my own exciting dating show. The last few guys that have asked me out I have said no, never called back, or just avoided face to face contact. I am always checking my list and x-ing a guys off before even getting started. Today I am making a change. I am saying yes to the next guy that asks me out -no matter what!! Really, I am.

You will be the first to hear about it.