With God, Are You All In?

This is the question in a new series we are tackling with the young adult ministry at church. It is really coming at a pivotal time in my life when I am considering the next stage – relationship, marriage and kids. No, I am not exclusively dating anyone but the thought has crossed my mind on a few occasions.

The major problem with single Christians dating is the issue of celibacy. Please believe me it is an issue. It is not a requirement for a lot of people who say they are Christian, in fact, it is not even expected.

In this series, we are using Chip Ingram's, "Living in the Edge: Dare to Experience True Spirituality." The book is accompanied by video lessons and includes questions, fill-in-the-blanks, and thoughts to ponder throughout the week. This week's thought – in Christ, are you all in? If not, what is holding you back?

I am sitting in service feeling extra transparent. lol Truth be told, I thought I was all in. When you are a single Christian woman and a man enters the picture, you are faced with this whole celibacy issue.It does not help, if the guy of interest, is not that dedicated to his celibacy. I know that I am an attractive girl but I also want to be clear about expectations.We – both he and I – are human.

This series is a bitter pill to swallow but correct and necessary. I already know this. The only issue that arises for me is the fear of being rejected and single for an extended period of time. Am I always afraid? No. Most times I am straight chillin'. The fear tends to creep up around the same time as my birthday. It does not help when family and friends start to question your singleness – meaning your choices and standards.

I get it all of the time. Your standards are too high. "At your age" *insert lowered expectations*. This
is equates to pressure. I am not looking for perfection because I am not perfect but can you try, really try, to be what you are claiming to be?

Another prayer this week in the series is, "Lord help me to see you as you really are."

Who is God? He is someone who loves you unconditionally and wants the very best for your life. If I truly believe that God loves me and wants what is best for me, then I have no need to fear. Fear makes you accept the 'good enough' instead of 'the best'. Celibacy while single is God's best. The hard truth is a man who does not respect that is not God's best.

 Another lesson learned.


Devon Franklin Unashamed To Admit His 10 Year Celibacy

Being a celibate Christian is not crazy, it is the sanest, most incredible gift that you can give to yourself.

I was preusing the internet as I am want to do and I came across a video discussing my favorite Christian couple – Meagan Good and Devon Franklin. Mr. Franklin reveals that he had been a celibate Christian for over ten years! (Join the club!) What followed were a bunch of negative comments about this man for actually, unashamedly, proclaiming that God was able to keep him until marriage.


His experience is not unique. The world has become so twisted that promiscuity is promoted while celibacy is abased. I think the stigma is harder for men. You always run the risk of being labeled soft. Women can often times feel pressure to be that seductive vamp that men drool over in music videos. The Proverbs 31 virtuous woman is viewed as a relic of old time values. Even some Christians believe that you cannot date and be celibate.

I can tell you from experience that this is a lie from the very pit of hell. I cannot begin to tell you how being celibate, even through the most trying temptations, has kept me from so many pitfalls the enemy had set for me. My mother told me recently, if you mean to do right, God will always reveal the truth, protect and watch over you.

Perhaps you have never heard that you are valuable. That your existence was planned before the foundation of the world. No one may have ever told you that you are beautiful and that you are worth the wait.

Well, I just did.

I am not speaking of myself. I am speaking from truths I have learned over years in my Christian walk. The chief being – God loves me.

Yes, folk. The creator of the universe loves me. He loves the imperfect, sometimes contradictory, me. He loves you, too. If you meditate on this truth, I mean really know it experientially, you will never give yourself away in a an ungodly way. You are just too precious.

Do you believe it? Well, here's the proof:

"For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. For one will scarcely die for a righteous person—though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die— but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." Romans 5:6-8


Christian Friends and Accountability – Act I

I am learning that we as Christians need Christian friends to encourage us and hold us accountable – in the love of God!

As you all know, I moved to Dallas and away from my family. My mom is saved. We went to the same church that my extended family and some neighbors attended. It was easy to be in the presence of someone who would encourage you and hold you accountable even if they were just a bit too nosy. lol

Here in Dallas – the home of the mega church – it is so easy to get lost in the shuffle. No one knows if you are there or not. No one calls just to say that they are praying for you. When you are used to that type of connection, being without it is quite palpable.


God has placed a few people in my life that I can talk to about how I am feeling, why I feel that way and we laugh, pray for and encourage one another.

I think it is a grave mistake for Christians to go it alone. You are too susceptible to the enemy who as a roaring lion goes about seeking someone to devour. (1 Peter 5:8) If you constantly hang around your non-spiritually minded friends, they cannot hold you accountable and sometimes even want you to fall. It is not that they dislike you but your following after God's example convicts them of their own lifestyles. I hear all of the time how a Christiam will have a friend who will encourage her to do whatever and that whatever is contrary to the will of God. A godly friend will ecourage you to fast, pray and do what is right. The Bible discusses how if two are walking and one falls into a ditch, then the other can help him out of it. (Ecclesiastes 4:10)

Continue reading “Christian Friends and Accountability – Act I”

Is Celibacy A Necessity For the Single Christian?

You all should know my view on this but for discussion's sake, I'll entertain the question.

I grew up in the holy, sanctified Church of God in Christ. Girls wore no pants, make up. We were not allowed to listen to secular music. Everyone knew that sex before marriage was a grave sin.

Times have changed in the COGIC world and christiandom at large. It's not uncommon for many women to have a little Mac in their bag next to that well-worn and highlighted King James.

But how relaxed is too lax?

I have met many Christians with varying beliefs on drinking, tithing, clothes and music. I choose not to judge either way. Are there somethings that are black or white, yes or no?

I was listening to a woman who was upset that the man she had been dating and sleeping with had gotten her and 2 other women pregnant. She expressed shock over this man who knew the Word in and out. Her shock was at the fact that he was not faithful to her.

I believe the real commitment of a celibate life is not between two individuals but between you and God.  (Thanks The Old Black Church) So if you are not faithful to God, how can you be faithful to another flawed human being?

Let that marinate, while I sip some tea.  

A Christian follows Christ, follows the words of Christ i.e. the Bible.

I think a lot of Christians find sex a hard thing to give up especially when it's so easy to give in to. Many are not taught how to live a celibate life. Sex is the ultimate don't ask, don't tell for some.

And then there are those statistics. Like churches being up to 80 percent women, 70 percent of black women never getting married. You hear that long enough and even the mose faithful can feel pressured to settle for "shacking" lol. How old is that term?  Yet, some Christians love the Lord, love the Word and a little something else. lol

What say you?


How To Be Celibate – A Single Christian’s Guide

To be a Christian is more than a title. It is more than a standing weekly appointment at some church. It is a walk with Christ. To be Christlike is to live as according to the word of God.

The most contentious and difficult requirement of of Christian life is the no fornication clause. lol There are some who adhere to monogamy as a rule or make an exception for someone that they are in love with. However, the bible is clear about a few things and no premarital sex in one of them.

So pratically, how does one accomplish this feat of will. The answer is YOU do not but with the assistance of the holy spirit you can!

These are some helpful tips.

  1. Decide in your mind that celibacy is the right thing to aspire to.
  2. Read your bible for strength and inspiration.
  3. Fast and pray. Fasting is refraining from food and/or drink for a specific amount of time to give yourself in prayer to God. Denying the real and necessary urge to eat puts you in the right spiritual frame of mind to deny yourself sex. You are also giving yourself the freedom to love someone free of the cloud of sex. Sex is not love.
  4. When starting out, refrain from things – music, movies, people – that put you in that loving feeling.
  5. Get busy!!! Become faithful to God is service, giving, living. An idle mind is truly the devil's playground.
  6. Hang out with like-minded individuals. It is my honest opinion that folk who are loose in the caboose secretly envy those who refrain. I believe they subconsciously try to undermine your position by enticing you to give up on celibacy. Why? Misery loves company.
  7. If you feel like you just cannot hold on any longer, take the time to pray. My personal prayer is, "My body belongs to God." When you realize this truth, you will not give yourself away to someone not in God's plan for you.

I personally have been celibate a long, long, long, long, time. lol These tips have helped me to keep myself free from fornication.

Are there any celibate readers? How do you handle this situation?

My Top Ten (Irrational) Fears About Dating Men

I have written on Talulazoeapple about fears before, I think. I have also been attempting to overcome most of my (irrational) ones.

I still have left to conquer my fear of dating. It's not like I am cowering in a corner at the thought of it. I just allow my doubts to keep me from trying to connect with someone.

I could just blame all of this on my mother. Parents are easy scapegoats, but it's me.

I figured like most things in life, if I write it down, visualizing my fears I can conquer them.

Here goes:

10. Men are dogs – You have heard this one many a time. I don't think all men are dogs but most have a propensity toward canine behavior. LIL To deal, you need a trainer's license and a rabies shot.

9. Men lie – Truth be told everyone lies in a little. I may wear a padded bra . . .or not, whose asking?To date one must be willing to play a little I Spy from time to time.

8. At my age, all of the good ones are taken - I know this cannot be true, after all there are 5.7 billion people on earth. Surely there has to be one heterosexual, disease-free, educated, professional with no baby momma's or mental illnesses man with all of his teeth. Just one is all I need.

7. Marriage is passe – With Oprah leading the pack of professional women who have these "spiritual unions" (followed by Halle Berry), many are negating the importance of holy matrimony. I would just like to tell all these women, keep it real. Ya'll are way richer than your boyfriends and wanna keep that money right. LOL You ain't fooling me!

6. Every unmarried man over thirty is on the down-low – Lord why did Oprah do that show on down-low brothers. I swear, I think every guy, I mean every guy I meet has a secret. **in Wendy Williams voice** How you doin'?  Irrational? IDK. Watching the Real Housewives of Atlanta has refueled this particular one. Lord, help me to overcome. LOL

5. Once married men turn into control freaks – I know many a married man who wants to tell their wife when and where she can breathe. . .and they do it. Um. . .no. I am an easy going girl, I need an easy going guy. I will allow a man to be a man, just allow me to be. . .free.

4. I may change my mind – I know this is the craziest one but I have track record of losing interest in things and marriage is forever. Forever, ever? I had a cat once and the thing was soo smelly, I kicked it out of the house. It wandered into the parking lot and got hit by car. Can you see where I am going with this?

3. All men want is sex, sex, and more sex – This can't fly. I am a Christian that actually practices celibacy – for really, real. I always fear that a guy won't be interested in relationship where there is no nookie. I am not sure if this one is rational or irrational.

2. A man is supposed to find me – Lord, the perils of COGIC upbringing.  Whoso findeth a wife, findeth a good thing and obtaineth favor of the Lord Proverbs 18:22. This scripture was always recited as an admonishment not to look for a man. You are supposed to let a man find you. This presents quite a conundrum for the single girl.

1. I am meant to be alone – When I was a little girl, I wanted to become a nun. No, really, I did but I was not Catholic. I thought I would dedicate my life to serving God and remain a virgin for life. Well that one did not pan out. Sometimes I think God (who according to my COGIC upbringing is a jealous God) wants me for Himself. I mean, really, who can compare to the Almighty. Or maybe it's like any father, He wants only the best for me. No ordinary, jack leg (my momma's phrase) will do. Maybe I am not meant to be alone but I meant to wait on God.